We had dinner with some friends tonight; it was last minute, a day following a string of a days that were less than fun, the house was turned upside down, and yet as if I were floating above the scene I watched the words "come on over!" leave my mouth. But i can't help it, talking to adults is so fun! And watching kids grow and learn and play together is something truly special. Of course my three-year-old had some less than glamorous moments, and I found myself feeling the urge to apologize to my friend, or to talk about how tired my daughter must be. And the more I think about it the more I'm hoping to stop explaining her behavior altogether, for a few reasons.
1. she's not (intentionally) being an asshole
Crazy right? The thought that we didn't come into this world knowing social norms and ques. The thought that at some point, we were just as ornery and selfish as our children. Yes, selfish. We are all born selfish. Do you think a newborn baby would cry when they were hungry or wet or in pain if they were considerate? No, they wouldn't. They are hungry, and so they need food and they need it NOW, even if it is 2am or the middle of your lunch date with a friend. I'm aware that my three-year-old isn't a newborn, but she's also not 13 or 23. She's becoming aware of others and how her actions affect them. She's discerning want vs need. So when she does things like take shoes off of her friend's feet AS SHE'S WALKING, I have to remember that she didn't do it maliciously. She wanted the shoes so she did what she has always done until this point; she went for what she wanted. But I don't treat it like an asshole move, instead we remove ourselves and discuss what was wrong with her actions without the use of proper nouns. Because her actions are not about who she did them to, they are about the fact that she did something that isn't ok. YES, you wanted those shoes so badly! The problem is when friends come over we share our toys. And also it can really hurt someone's body to take shoes off while they are walking.
2. giving excuses just excuses the behavior
It's always well intentioned; Sorry, she didn't get a nap today. Sorry, she didn't eat a very good lunch and is probably hungry. Sorry, she wanted to drink out of the red cup earlier but had to drink out of the blue cup so her emotional equilibrium is off balance. The truth is, she's just learning! Sure she might be tired, but learning to behave while tired is essential, and explaining it away gives her the impression that if there's an explanation, it must be acceptable. She's learning to use words both to describe what it is she wants and what it is she's feeling. To tell me that she doesn't like the blue cup because it drips all over her, or that she wants her lunch RIGHT NOW because her stomach hurts she's so hungry. This doesn't mean I don't heed warnings before making plans with friends (she hasn't been napping, it'll be a day with learning experiences!), or that when she communicates clearly yet rudely I don't correct the rudeness. What it does mean is that when she behaves in a way that isn't tolerable, I put the energy into correcting her, not explaining to the current company why I think she's behaving the way she is.
3. I don't want to set a precedent of apologizing for her actions
This kind of tags onto the last one, but it is possibly the biggest, most important reason for me. It's really hard for us as parents to believe, but our children's actions are not always a reflection of us and our parenting. Oh she didn't get another cookie and is crying; she must get whatever she wants at home. No actually, she just wants another cookie, and can't quite navigate how to express that she wants one without tears. She also cries at home, but no she doesn't get another one.
It's hard to not feel responsible for their behavior when it's due to a missed nap, or to not feel embarrassed at the way they express their emotions when it makes you look like you can't control your child. But I'm not going to raise a child that expects me to apologize to her teacher when she's behind on schoolwork. Or asks me to explain how tired they were from their soccer game the night before. I will advocate for her fiercely, but apologizing is something she needs to learn to do for herself. It's sometimes scary, and more often than not "I'm sorry" can be hard to say. However it's humbling, and builds character, and is really, really important to be able to do. And really important that I remember to have her apologize, as I realize in this moment there was no apology for the shoe incident.
My point is, she's three and she'll likely do whatever she did another 15 times and we'll have another 15 talks where she repeats back to me what I say to her to make sure she heard it before it really, truly sinks in. And when it does sink in she'll surely catch me doing whatever it is that I have taught her not to do and if I'm lucky, she'll tell me kindly, and I'll get back some of the grace and understanding I've given her time and time again.
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