being mama.

lately, liza has decided that after midnight or so she shouldn't be in her crib. but she doesn't want to be in our bed, laying there between us anymore either. she wants to be on my chest, wide awake, cuddling with her mama. every now and then i catch myself hoping "please, please, don't need me tonight". but every night when that hour hits, it's pure bliss; just liza and mama. it breaks my heart and warms it at the same time that she doesn't allow scott to hold her. i want her to love him and want to cuddle, but i want her to want me more. it's true. it's selfish, but it's absolutely true. the way she kicks her little feet when she sees me from across the room. the way she rests her head on my chest and drifts into sleep. the way she reaches for me when she gets sleepy and wants to cuddle. her little life gives mine meaning. as badly as i want to be her friend, i have to be her mother first. i want to see her grow into a person who doesn't give in to peer pressure. someone who sees someone getting picked on and stands up for them. the girl that boys like for her character, not because of the clothes that she's wearing, or not wearing. a person that knows who she is and is comfortable being her. you don't get those kids by being their friends. you get those kids by giving them responsibility, boundaries, consequences if they pass those boundaries, and lots and lots of unwavering love. at least i think that's how it happens. mine's only seven months old, but that's what my parents did and if you ask me this end product is golden ;) in all seriousness though, i hope i have the strength to be that mother. and the tenderness. to make sure she knows it's not my job to be her friend. it's my job to make sure she turns out to be a god-fearing, jesus-loving, compassionate human being. and i hope, i hope and pray that she knows my choice to be her mother, instead of her friend, is the greatest act of love. then, when she's grown into that person, we get to be friends. and hopefully if i do this right, the best.

she's the sweetest. and i'm the lucky one who has the honor of raising her.